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Whether the decision to divorce was made by the man or by the woman, the most painful part of the end of the marriage, for fathers, is often what appears to be the “loss” of the children. Particularly when the children are young, the likely outcome of divorce is that the children will remain with their mother and the father will become a “non-residential father”. Usually, children spend alternate weekends with their father and one or two afternoons during the week – quite a change from spending time together on a daily basis.

For men who were not very involved in raising their children during the marriage and saw them mainly over the weekend, the post-divorce situation will not be a significant change. In fact, it often occurs that after divorce, many fathers spend more time with their children than before the divorce, as they realize that they have to invest in building and sustaining a relationship with their children.

However, it is not uncommon among the younger generation for fathers to have a more active role in childcare, from infancy onwards. There is often more equality between the two parents, particularly in dual career families. When their marriages end, they are likely to work out a post-divorce parenting plan that reflects the shared parenting – some form of joint custody. Nevertheless, for the majority of divorced families, maternal custody has remained the norm and fathers have a less central role in the lives of children in divorced families.

With the high rate of divorce in the Western world during the past several decades, considerable research has focused on how children cope with their parents’ divorce. One of the factors studied has been the relationship between children and their non-custodial or non-residential fathers.

Early on in the research, it became apparent that one of the factors impacting on how well children cope with growing up with divorced parents is whether or not the child-father relationship was maintained over time. Children who continued to have contact with their fathers faired better than those whose father’s gradually disappeared from their lives. The quality of the child-father relationship is more important than the frequency of contact. In other words, more is not necessarily better. Regardless of frequency, it is important to maintain stability and consistency of the contact. Whether in the context of a married family or a divorced family, the father-child relationship is very important for the normal development of the child, as long as it is a reasonably good relationship. In cases where the father is physically or verbally abusive or neglectful, the child will be better off with more limited and supervised contact or with no contact at all. On the other hand, the loss of significant contact with a parent with whom the child had a positive relationship during the marriage is likely to have a detrimental effect on the child. Overall, boys suffer more from father absence than do girls.

I am sure it is reassuring to fathers to learn that research has affirmed their importance, but there are more enlightening findings of additional research that should guide fathers in their efforts to be good parents after the spousal divorce. Fathers have many functions in their children’s lives and it is important that all of them continue throughout the post-divorce years.

In modern times, both parents provide for their children’s financial security and for meeting their material needs. After divorce, the child support payments made by fathers to their former wives for their children’s needs are essential for the children’s well-being. Financial stress following divorce has a direct impact on children, as mothers (the residential parents) struggle to make ends meet and have less time and energy for parenting. However, while the continuity of the “breadwinner” role is important, children need much more than that from their fathers (whether they live in the family home or not!).

Parental involvement in their children’s lives varies depending on the age of the child. When children are toddlers and pre-school age, the close bonding develops through providing physical assistance (meals, bathing, etc.), playing with the child and showing love and affection. With school-age children, assisting with homework, providing intellectual stimulation and encouragement and providing moral, behavioral and social guidance are important factors in the child’s psychological development and well-being. Research has shown that children in divorced families need fathers who show interest in their school work and in their behavior at school. They need fathers who are not hesitant to discipline their children and be authoritative parents. In other words, non-residential fathers should continue to fulfill all their parenting functions and not limit their role to being a “bank” or just the provider of entertainment (Disneyland father).

Parenting is a challenge for all of us, but even more so for parents who divorce and have limited time with their children. Some non-residential fathers gradually relinquish their role as father and minimize contact with their children because of the emotional pain they experience as absentee parents. Others put an emphasis on providing good entertainment and buying the children expensive gifts so that the children will want to spend time with them. The truth is, children want to have a good relationship with their fathers, which means finding a balance among all the functions parents serve in their children’s lives. Although the time together may be limited, the quality of the father-child relationship need not be sacrificed.

Now that we know how important fathers are in the post-divorce family, they should be encouraged to take part in their children’s lives as much as possible. Although living apart puts limitations on the parent-child relationship, it does not diminish fathers’ importance in the emotional, intellectual and social development of children. By remaining dedicated to raising their children, divorced fathers contribute to their children’s healthy development in spite of the parental divorce.